if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
