is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
