Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
