I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
