My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
