My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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