His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
