I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
