The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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