"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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