She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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