this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
