kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
