My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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