someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
