I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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