I faked an abortion last night.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
