I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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