i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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