I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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