T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
