Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
