shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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