the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
