Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
