I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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