1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
