Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Rumble strips road head = magical
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
