Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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