A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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