Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
