It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
