just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
