He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
