you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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