i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
