i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
