I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im holly from the hills drunk
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
