If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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