i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
