OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Randomize
