careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
