Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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