How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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