You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
