I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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