Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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