Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
