happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
