I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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