seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
