my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
